Skeletons unearthed.

27th April

D is up again.  She told me something 2 days ago that has stuck in my head.  We were talking about my Dad being dishonourably discharged from the Navy for being a paedophile.  She was searching for his navy records so we can track his first 3 children, my siblings when she stumbled across it by accident.  It said his name and then dishonourably discharged... reason paedophile.  He was 27 when he met Lena and she was just 14.  Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.  But when D was in her early teens she came to visit her mother, P.  Dad kept asking her to go upstairs with him and 'play'.  She kept asking why, why did he want to go upstairs to 'play' and P told her to go with him, to go and 'play'.  She never had intercourse, just 'played'.  I don't even know what to feel about it.  It's funny but it doesn't surprise me.  But when I think how he used to be my hero.  Now I just feel conned, lied to and stupidly naive.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it.  It makes me wonder if he didn't get done by social services for getting Lena pregnant at such a young age, but then with her parents permission they had married while still in Malta, so she came here as his pregnant wife.  Was that the reason C and I were on the NSPCC list when we started school?  I don't know.  I told her that her Dad, my uncle had done the same to me.  It's like they had no morals, and for her own Mother to encourage it, that makes her just as bad, if not worse.  B, N, P and Ro, it's like they all had something missing, some vital moral part and all 4 of them had that piece of the puzzle missing.  We just got caught up in it all and now we have to try and live with it. He was my hero, the only one who stayed in my life when I was a child, even when he wasn't there, it didn't matter because he still loved me, that is what I told myself to survive.  He was so far up on a pedestal the sun blocked out the truth and all I saw was a lie.  All I feel now is disgust and hate.  i am so angry with him, with all of them.  How dare they use us the way they did, it's sick!  All of them are fucking sick and disgusting, peopdo's with not a single moral bone in any of them!  And I am glad 2 of them are dead, i just wish the other 2 would hurry up and die and I can be free of them all!  Dissociation sets in and all the anger and rage is festering inside and all I want to do is stand in a huge field and scream and scream until I die.

8th March

8th March

The girls are ok.  Number 3 has a new bf who makes her happy.  Number 1 and L not so good.  it's like a massive de jah veh for me.  It's like seeing R and me again.  he does what he wants, when he wants with who he wants, spends all the money and hers.  Because he spends all the money they haven't been food shopping since R and I went for her a month ago.  As a result she is not eating and keeps feeling ill and has lost weight, so thankfully, she hasn't had a period so they won't be bringing a baby into it.  Small blessings I guess.  Every time I see her she looks scruffy and dirty like she hasn't washed or washed her hair for days.  She has head lice again and goodness knows where she got them from and why she hasn't rid of them by now.  She looks worse now than she did when she lived at home.  But she doesn't want to be alone so she doesn't say anything to him.  But there is nothing I can do for her, just give her advice and hope she doesn't end up like me.
As for me, I have got bad PMS.  i just feel like crying all the time for no reason, or over stupid little things.  I had the results of my x ray and I have arthritis in both hips.  I'm on another diet and I'm already fed up with it and it's only been a week.  D came up and stayed a week and we did it then and it was good.  I felt good.  The she went home and since then I'm struggling already.  I really suck!

Back down again.

21st Feb 2012

Well, I am still not smoking and I am really proud of that, even if no one else is, or if they are they haven't said.  I am still struggling with the diet.  it is harder than I thought it would be to do both.  Sparkspeople is helping , I am back to basics this week again.  I am walking Dandy again after a break with a major pain in my left calf.  it felt like cramp and it just wouldn't let up.  I went to the doc and he took some blood to check if I had sticky blood, so I had to go to hospital for a scan on my leg.  no blood clot and all is finally well again.  So using the SP tracker, taking Dandy walks and restart the wii active 30 day challenge.  I still haven't completed that despite having it years.  just too damn lazy!  Then I wonder why I don't lose weight when I can't even stick to it for 30 days.

A New Year

Monday 16th January 2012

  It's been ages!  So much has happened and I haven't even marked any of it.  Where to start?  September.  Daughter number 2 went to Newquay, to Cornwall Collage for her degree in animal conservation.  It's a 2 year course.  She got the flat with G and J and they haven't been friends since.  it's been bitching and hating from all parties.  She also went back with T and they are trying the long distance realtionship thing.  I really miss her, so does daughter 3.  It's been quiet here now.  Number 2 left on Saturday 11th and daughter 1 got offered a place on the 12th and moved in on the 16th.  Gosh that started on 24th August.  She had a huge argument with R over the washing up of all things.  He said she had to leave, this was Sunday and Monday he told her to get out, we argued, number 3 daughter argued, all the usual shit that goes on.  Anyway, I wrote her a 4 week notice to take to the housing office and then R was like, nah, let's give her another chance, she can stay and I said, sure until the next time you give her one night to get out.  So i made her take it to the council office.  So they offered her a bedsit in a hostel and she has excepted.  It's just one room with a seperate bathroom, and a kitchen sink, fridge and a little counter top cooker.  The first week she was there all her old mated from Cinderford asked her out for a drink.  Within a week she had a bf.  Except D was a cheating bastard.  Number 1 then met L, the guy in the flat above her room.  They soon became friends and D got jealous of it but then daughter number 1 found out he was cheating and broke up with him.  After a month she and L started going out.  He was her first.  She had finally found someone worth it and someone she loved enough to do it with.  Now she lives with him in his flat, but has kept her room open in case anything should happen.  Last week she took a pregnancy test.  It was negative, but it's a testament to hpow serious this has got in short time.  number 2 is in collage and doing well.  The girls came home for Christmas. Number 3 had a bf and he chose boxing day to break up with her, except he never told her himself, he put it on fb before he even told her, so it's safe to say it wasn't a friendly break up.  I am on a new year, a new me thing again.  I gave up smoking, 2 weeks now.  Also dieting and started the Wii active 30 day challenge.  I'm walking dandy twice a day.  So far lost 4lb.  But I'm not stupid, it's nothing to brag about until I lose the first stone, and make the first month of non smoking.  As for me.  I feel useless, unwanted and un needed.  R still goes to the gym.  He joined up last Sept and goes most days.  If he could just get his eating under control he might lose weight.  Of course the fact that he joined the gym shocked me, but it was one hell of a shck when he started going and he was doing so well.  he lost 2 stone and you could see where the gym was doing it's job.  but then he got bored and it all fell apart.  He might make it twice a week and his prtion size is stupid.  Having a bowl of anything for him it's a family size serving bowl.  So that's it I guess.  I am haivng a shitty day, caught you all up, now I'm outta here.

The final

Thursday 28th July 2011

  Yesterday was my final therapist session.  It is a scary place to be.  it's like the end, it feels like the end of a huge chapter in my life.  It has been such a long journey and there were times when I felt I wouldn't make it through.  There were even times when the darkness was so black and full, so complete that I would nevr see the light again.  but then there were times when the sun shone warm and the sky was blue and nothing could ever bring me down again.  Now it feels empty.  Devey warned me about this, she said lots of people who see a therapist for as long as I have, over a year, sometimes feel a bit low after, esceppially when the journet has been so long and hard as mine is.  Give it a month, she said, and you will begin to climb back up again, to bring life to an even keel.  I'm not so sure about that, but I do know this feeling is only temperary and it will pass.  She wrote this wonderful letter to summarize all we have done in therepy this past year.   About how she admires my courage to fight on and change my life, my girls lives and my marriage from the way things had gone in the past and to always try to move forward.  She said a lot of other stuff that I'm sure she feels is true, but I just feel unworthy of.  I feel like, well really, is that really true?  Me?!  Nah!  Bullshit!  But then I also know I only feel that way because most I have felt so unworthy my whole life.  So maybe, some of it may be true?  Who knows/  I will wait for the letter to come and read it myself, analize it, and see which bits are real and which are just words.  She is going to put it in my medical files, and send a copy to my GP, a copy to me and I asked for a copy to be sent to R.  Just so he can read it and try to understand what this journey has been for me and why I am who I am.  I'm not so sure how he will react, if he will even understand it.  I can cope with that, but if he just reads it and then puts it down and carry on playing his computer as if it is unimportant and he doesn't care, or if he doesn't even bother reading it, that will hurt more than anything.

Monday 7th August

  Well I got the letter and it wasn't as bad as I first thought.  I was right about R though, he never read it. Still what did I really expect?  Had T's bd party yesterday.  We spent the day with his parents and W.  They pulled him down all day and R said nothing.  If I said anything I got told to pack it in and when I put something on fb he moaned at me.  I spent all yesterday feeling sorry for him because his whole family are pricks to him and now all I wanna say is fuck you and your family!  Now I'm the one left feeling like shit and stupid for caring.  Why do I even bother?  Devey was right, I do set myself up to fail.  They put him down, they hate me and all night they made daughter number 2 feel so shit, we both got pissed just to get away from it all.  Some things never change, even with the next generation.

A cracked old glass

Monday 4th July 2011

  Well work is going well, I like it, but it tire me out.  I just feel so broken right now and it feels like everything is coming apart at the seams.  I want to move house but I don't.  A new home, a new area, new neighbours, none of it is going to change how I feel, or the house, or the garden.  12 years here and the garden is still a shit hole pile, so what's the point?  Ro keeps ringing me, 3 times tonight!  Don't she get it? I don't want to talk to her!  FFS. she just text me now as well, WTF???  Why can't she just piss off?  C's got social services on her back over the kids again, and this time I ain't going to do a thing!  Why should I keep raising her family?  They know Sh is there, and she knows they told her over and over not to have  hm living there, but she don't listen.  They knew she leaves them their Dad even though she isn't meant to.  WTF??  Is it so fucking hard to do what they want if it means keeping the kids?  She's just like W and M were when they lost their kids into care.  I just give up helping her!  I'm just so sick of everything and everyone in both families.  I'm bitching at R and the girls again, even snapping at the dog and he don't understand!  Sometimes I just wish I could take drugs, or drink myself into a stupor just to make it all go away.  But what is the point?  It will still be there the next day and the next, and the next, stretching into an endless future of darkness, of being that old glass again.  The one that is fresh and new and beautiful and bright, but it gets broken.  So you glue it and hope no on notices.  You push it a little way to the back of the shelf and turn the cracks around so no one see's it.  The years pass and it gets broken again and again, and it's so far at the back of the shelf no one even notices it any more.  Dust collects on it, around it and in the cracks.  Dusty and dirty and covered in cracks it finally gets thrown away by someone who doesn't even know what it once was.  It's so broken and dirty it can never be whole again.  I guess it's just one of those days.  Tomorrow is another day and all that crap.  That sounds like hope and right now I have none.  Just an endless dark void, sunk in the bottom of an old well.  I can't climb out, the walls are too slippery, the bricks falling apart and there is nothing and no one to hold onto, and I sink lower and lower until I can't fight any more, it's too hard, too much.  It's easier to let go, let go and drown in the dark dirty water, until it's all gone.  no more fighting, no more pain, no more anger, just no more.

Moving on

Thursday 16th June 2011

  I think using and smelling my witches herbs last night actually had an effect.  I went to bed with the question on my mind and I had, what I think was a prophetic dream.  It was about me and R.  We were together and I don't remember most of the dream, but what I do remember was R telling me he loved me and I was his future, and I cried with happiness.  Was this just a trick of the mind?  Did those herbs have an effect?  I don't know.  When I ask R about the future he says he doesn't know, he just lives day to day and then he says, "But that's not good enough for you, is it?"  I don't know how to answer because he is right, it isn't good enough.  I need constant reassurance that I'm worth loving, that I am needed and wanted.  I'm just not sure he can give me that.  On a brighter note I put my name down to volunteer in a charity shop, Dial-A-Ride.  I start 9.30 Monday.  Just doing a few hours for now, I don't want to rush into work again and then find I can't cope, even if I want to, I have to be smart and kind to myself.  It's scary though, it's been a long time since I worked.