Well I am finally going through some changed in my life. It feels like a transition phase. It began with me having my hair cut at the hairdressers. I have never been to a hairdressers, not ever. Then I decided I wanted to lose weight. Not a play time, crash course, lose a stone in an impossible time thing. So I joined a web site, Sparkspeople, a slimming site. there are lots of other people on there all doing the saem thing. it has a nutrition tracker, fitness tracker, weight and measurement tracker plus loads of information, hints, tips, recipes, everything and the best thing is, it's all free. Then we had Dandy. Dandy is a male Jack Russell Terrier, 5 years old. I know, me a dog right? Although today is a bad day, so you might get a few negative vibes, it's not a reflection as to how I have been feeling the past 2 weeks. i take Dandy for a 2 mile walk everyday and as a result I get alone time, time to think and I've also lost 7lb so far. I have a long way to go but at 2lb a week, by this time next year I should have reached my target weight. I know it seems a long time, but if I do it right this time, slowly and steady. I should finally make it to 8 stone. I feel good about myself in a way I have never felt before. Even when I was alone in Cinderford I had never truly made a change to my life, or myself. I am going back to Witchcraft and Wicca, and this time it will not be half hearted, playing. This time it is about me, finding who I am really. The girls are growing and moving on and it's time for me to do the same. I will always be their Mother, but they don't need me to 'care' for them any more. I will always be there for them as their Mum, but my Mummy role is over. It's time to look to the future and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't know yet if it includes R. I guess that will depend on him. I don't want to be living on benefits forever, I don't want to use my disability as an excuse to be lazy. Yes I have medical conditions that can never be cured, I have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, and that will only get worse. I have Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, Dissociation Disorder, and that will never go way, and I am always have PTSD, but I am also a 38 year old woman with only half my life passed by. I have the other half of my life to look forward to. I want to go back to work, to gain some self respect back. I don't know what the future holds but I do know it doesn't include R getting up and going on his computer until he goes to bed. I want a nice looking home and garden. I want a job. I want an alter to The Goddess in my bedroom. I see myself coming home after work and sitting in the garden, smelling the flowers, watching the pond, fountain and waterfall, just like it used to be. i see my husband and I going for walks together, maybe with the dog and relaxing together after work. i see hand holding, cuddles and togetherness. I just don't know if any of this is R. I asked him how he saw his future and if I was in it, his reply "I don't know". I can't plan a future if he feels he has none, or worse, this, here and now is the rest of his life, this is forever. Maybe I am selfish, but after the life I have had I don't care, I will be selfish, I want more. I want more for us. We have to decide if we have a life together without the children. I don't know if we can, I don't know if he can. Transition is always hard, but always necessary for life to go on, for the girls to have their own lives, after all, isn't that why we raise them? To be strong, and independent women? Isn't that what being a parent is all about? And once your job is done, what then? That is what I am trying to discover.
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