Skeletons unearthed.

27th April

D is up again.  She told me something 2 days ago that has stuck in my head.  We were talking about my Dad being dishonourably discharged from the Navy for being a paedophile.  She was searching for his navy records so we can track his first 3 children, my siblings when she stumbled across it by accident.  It said his name and then dishonourably discharged... reason paedophile.  He was 27 when he met Lena and she was just 14.  Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.  But when D was in her early teens she came to visit her mother, P.  Dad kept asking her to go upstairs with him and 'play'.  She kept asking why, why did he want to go upstairs to 'play' and P told her to go with him, to go and 'play'.  She never had intercourse, just 'played'.  I don't even know what to feel about it.  It's funny but it doesn't surprise me.  But when I think how he used to be my hero.  Now I just feel conned, lied to and stupidly naive.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it.  It makes me wonder if he didn't get done by social services for getting Lena pregnant at such a young age, but then with her parents permission they had married while still in Malta, so she came here as his pregnant wife.  Was that the reason C and I were on the NSPCC list when we started school?  I don't know.  I told her that her Dad, my uncle had done the same to me.  It's like they had no morals, and for her own Mother to encourage it, that makes her just as bad, if not worse.  B, N, P and Ro, it's like they all had something missing, some vital moral part and all 4 of them had that piece of the puzzle missing.  We just got caught up in it all and now we have to try and live with it. He was my hero, the only one who stayed in my life when I was a child, even when he wasn't there, it didn't matter because he still loved me, that is what I told myself to survive.  He was so far up on a pedestal the sun blocked out the truth and all I saw was a lie.  All I feel now is disgust and hate.  i am so angry with him, with all of them.  How dare they use us the way they did, it's sick!  All of them are fucking sick and disgusting, peopdo's with not a single moral bone in any of them!  And I am glad 2 of them are dead, i just wish the other 2 would hurry up and die and I can be free of them all!  Dissociation sets in and all the anger and rage is festering inside and all I want to do is stand in a huge field and scream and scream until I die.