It was a strange session today. It has been a strange week, feeling so angry all the time and not knowing why. Tomorrow I will be 38. With R's 21st coming up too, it reminds me of all the
milestones in my life that have gone un-noticed, uncared about. Starting my period, my 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st, so many gone by, even passing my exams. Yet it never bothered me before, or I just didn't want to think about it. I started to wonder where all this came from and think maybe it really all began when I turned 30. 30 was meant to be the year for me, bu some silly dreams made when I was just a child. Dreams of travelling the world, riding a motorbike clad in leather and tattoo's. It's so silly really. I also think it's from thinking of that little girl I was, with feelings and sympathy and even love for her. I feel sorry for her, when for so long I hated her, blamed her for everything, too weak, pathetic, stupid little slut. But those feelings are changing and P's words don't always ring true for that little girl any more. Just remembering so much, and so little at the same time. It's hard to explain to anyone when I don't understand it myself. My head feels ready to explode from it all and I wish I could just tear it all out, let it go, but it won't let me go.
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