Tuesday 3rd May 2011
I guess what I am trying to say is, I have to learn to forgive myself, for all my past mistakes. Instead of only seeing the bad, instead of focusing on that, maybe I should also try to remember the good I have done. I felt so much guilty for daughter number 1. the way she is, the self loathing she has of herself and life. Because of the way we raised her, the constant moving around and changes in her life. The things she saw, the things we did, the school bullies that I couldn't protect her from. But I also raised her with love, respect and dignity. We raised all our girls to be strong, to know some men are not all they seem, but that love is possible. They believe in love in a way I never could or ever will, because they were loved in a way I never was. I have 3 beautiful, intelligent, strong, independent, caring and loving daughters, and I did that. We raised them to be who and what they are, what they want to be. But the negative side of number 1 is who she is, a part of her, it's not something I made. Her childhood leaves a lot to be desired, but she is 21 now and has her own free will to be who she wants to be. I had this all worked out in my mind, but on paper it just sounds like a lot of useless excuses. I feel guilty for not protecting so many people, but who was there to protect me? Who was there to hold that little girl? The one I cry for. I no longer feel hate for her, i don't hate her for being weak, i love her for being strong. My life may be a long road of mistakes and wrong turns but do I need to feel guilt and regret for the rest of my life? No, I don't. I have to look at them and yes, that was a mistake, but it was also a lesson. I did that wrong, I know that, I admit it, I own it, but now it's time to let it go, put the past to rest and move on. Take that little girl in my arms and hug her, and then put her to bed. I am not her any more, I am not a teenager who craved love and found pain, I am not the young woman who learnt to hate life for all it had done, who hated men and thought sex was what all men wanted and needed, and was all I had to give because I wasn't wroth loving. I am not the woman who grew up to disconnect from a world that was nothing but pain, lies and hate, regret and guilt. Because I am all of them, I am every one of them, and I am none of them. Can I finally learn to let go? Can I finally like myself for some of the good I have done instead of hating myself for all the bad? I don't know, but I want to try. I want to continue walking down that highway. But I want to turn around and look forward, walking forward instead of walking backwards while looking behind. I am tired of the hate, the regret, the guilt, so very tired. It's time to stand up tall, hold my head high and say I am ME. I am not that little girl sleeping softly in her bed, I am not Lisa, listening quietly in her cave, free to leave and no longer a prisoner, I am just me. And it's time to find out who I am. I know there will still be hard days. I know there will still be days when I will feel worthless and hate myself. But as long as I can learn to acknowledge it, to know the pain is real, and it has a reason and I have a right to that pain for all I have been through, and then let myself cry if I need to without self hate, without listening to those voices and her "wipe your face before your father see's it!" then maybe I stand a chance. Oh I'm under no illusions that the voices will end or that the self hate and the pain will suddenly disappear. I know it will be a hard struggle, maybe even a long one, but if I can read back over this and feel the way I do now, then maybe, just maybe I can put all the pieces back together again and have a shiny new me. That is my spell for today and for the future. Because U deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved and I deserve to be me. No more hiding behind Lisa, or that little girl, or that cynical woman, no more hiding from life. I deserve to live.
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