Nothing to say

14th August

It is a strange day today.  Words won't come to me, and when they do they are all jumbled out.  Even simple words are hard to write (thank goodness for spell check!).  I am tired, but not sleepy tired.  At least the doc has stopped messing with my meds for now.  That is a small blessing.  The only time I feel alive, really here and me, is when I am at my alter.  Weather I am doing a spell, or not, just sitting there in my circle is a relieve to me.  I have been thinking of going back to my old ways.  Before Rob and I got remarried.  The only time I ever really felt alive was when I lived alone, just me and my girls, 14 years ago.  For a while I wondered why.  Now I don't think there was a reason, it wasn't my life, or me.... well, it was but it was so much more than that.  I was happy because I was me.  I awoke every morning and I did my salute to the sun yoga, and before bed every night, I cleaned house, had a bath, then took time to meditate.  Time to quiet my mind.  Aside from also being 5 stone lighter, and I wasn't mentally ill, or physically disabled.  Perhaps that is it.  I need to find a way to except that my life has changed.  I can no longer walk, I will always be on medication, and I now have a whole graveyard of skeletons living in my head as well as some unopened and locked crypts.  I need to find a way to deal, and I don't know how.   There is nothing inside right now.  everything is numb.  I am not even depressed any more, that is at least some kind of feelings.  Inside is like an old dusty attic, full of cobwebs and dust, old boxes and wardrobes, broken mirrors and photo frames.  There are some old ciny reels in there too, and they keep on playing, over and over, playing their scenes onto the walls.  Why can I not just look at what I have done, what I have achieved, instead of only playing the failures, constantly ashamed and hating myself.  Hating what I see in the mirror and what I don't.   It's a hard dark place to be when you are crushed by self hate and loathing. I thought if I began writing it might help the dam to burst, sometimes it does.  But I guess not tonight.  So what to do, what to say, where to go but in my mind?  How to escape it all?  How to escape me???