Yesterday was my final therapist session. It is a scary place to be. it's like the end, it feels like the end of a huge chapter in my life. It has been such a long journey and there were times when I felt I wouldn't make it through. There were even times when the darkness was so black and full, so complete that I would nevr see the light again. but then there were times when the sun shone warm and the sky was blue and nothing could ever bring me down again. Now it feels empty. Devey warned me about this, she said lots of people who see a therapist for as long as I have, over a year, sometimes feel a bit low after, esceppially when the journet has been so long and hard as mine is. Give it a month, she said, and you will begin to climb back up again, to bring life to an even keel. I'm not so sure about that, but I do know this feeling is only temperary and it will pass. She wrote this wonderful letter to summarize all we have done in therepy this past year. About how she admires my courage to fight on and change my life, my girls lives and my marriage from the way things had gone in the past and to always try to move forward. She said a lot of other stuff that I'm sure she feels is true, but I just feel unworthy of. I feel like, well really, is that really true? Me?! Nah! Bullshit! But then I also know I only feel that way because most I have felt so unworthy my whole life. So maybe, some of it may be true? Who knows/ I will wait for the letter to come and read it myself, analize it, and see which bits are real and which are just words. She is going to put it in my medical files, and send a copy to my GP, a copy to me and I asked for a copy to be sent to R. Just so he can read it and try to understand what this journey has been for me and why I am who I am. I'm not so sure how he will react, if he will even understand it. I can cope with that, but if he just reads it and then puts it down and carry on playing his computer as if it is unimportant and he doesn't care, or if he doesn't even bother reading it, that will hurt more than anything.
Monday 7th August
Well I got the letter and it wasn't as bad as I first thought. I was right about R though, he never read it. Still what did I really expect? Had T's bd party yesterday. We spent the day with his parents and W. They pulled him down all day and R said nothing. If I said anything I got told to pack it in and when I put something on fb he moaned at me. I spent all yesterday feeling sorry for him because his whole family are pricks to him and now all I wanna say is fuck you and your family! Now I'm the one left feeling like shit and stupid for caring. Why do I even bother? Devey was right, I do set myself up to fail. They put him down, they hate me and all night they made daughter number 2 feel so shit, we both got pissed just to get away from it all. Some things never change, even with the next generation.
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