Well work is going well, I like it, but it tire me out. I just feel so broken right now and it feels like everything is coming apart at the seams. I want to move house but I don't. A new home, a new area, new neighbours, none of it is going to change how I feel, or the house, or the garden. 12 years here and the garden is still a shit hole pile, so what's the point? Ro keeps ringing me, 3 times tonight! Don't she get it? I don't want to talk to her! FFS. she just text me now as well, WTF??? Why can't she just piss off? C's got social services on her back over the kids again, and this time I ain't going to do a thing! Why should I keep raising her family? They know Sh is there, and she knows they told her over and over not to have hm living there, but she don't listen. They knew she leaves them their Dad even though she isn't meant to. WTF?? Is it so fucking hard to do what they want if it means keeping the kids? She's just like W and M were when they lost their kids into care. I just give up helping her! I'm just so sick of everything and everyone in both families. I'm bitching at R and the girls again, even snapping at the dog and he don't understand! Sometimes I just wish I could take drugs, or drink myself into a stupor just to make it all go away. But what is the point? It will still be there the next day and the next, and the next, stretching into an endless future of darkness, of being that old glass again. The one that is fresh and new and beautiful and bright, but it gets broken. So you glue it and hope no on notices. You push it a little way to the back of the shelf and turn the cracks around so no one see's it. The years pass and it gets broken again and again, and it's so far at the back of the shelf no one even notices it any more. Dust collects on it, around it and in the cracks. Dusty and dirty and covered in cracks it finally gets thrown away by someone who doesn't even know what it once was. It's so broken and dirty it can never be whole again. I guess it's just one of those days. Tomorrow is another day and all that crap. That sounds like hope and right now I have none. Just an endless dark void, sunk in the bottom of an old well. I can't climb out, the walls are too slippery, the bricks falling apart and there is nothing and no one to hold onto, and I sink lower and lower until I can't fight any more, it's too hard, too much. It's easier to let go, let go and drown in the dark dirty water, until it's all gone. no more fighting, no more pain, no more anger, just no more.
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