Loneliness

30th April

It feels so lonely right now.  Who can I talk to?  Who is there to turn to?  I can't talk to J, C or Ro because they will never believe it, and if they did?  Do I ruin C and J perfect vision of him?  Do I want them to feel what I am feeling now?  I could never talk to my girls.  Number 3 knows there is something wrong and she keeps asking me what it is and telling me I can talk to her.  it's very sweet but I can't, not about this.  The girls have a candy man and rainbow image of their Granddad.  It makes up for the 2 Nan's on my side.  It makes them think my childhood had some good in it and I think that helps them cope with other stuff that they know I went through.  They don't need to know the facts, all they know is a sentence of what happened.  Who can I fucking talk to?  Who can I tell?  N one!  It's D secret to tell and she entrusted it to me and I really wish she hadn't.  how selfish does that make me?  I hate myself!  I hate, hate and I am soo angry and there is no one to blame.  P would never admit any of it not in a million years!  Ro is just like her sister, all she would think is how best to tell everyone so SHE will be the victim, the hard done by, the one who needs sympathy and pity!  Or how she can slag me off and D off to make it worse and make us look like trouble making liars!  It's so lonely and I feel so angry I want to rip up every photo I have of him, scribble over his face like a child, burn him and watch the flames!