So far, so good

5 days on the diet now.  I am doing pretty well, though I did eat 3 squares of dark chocolate tonight.  Hey, my period is due any day now, give me a break!  Nah, in all honesty I really am doing well.  Hubbie even offered to give me money to go buy some junk food and have a munch, but I turned him down.  When I did go up town with D3, all I bought was crisps for hubbie and D3 bought me some go-ahead chocolate thins.  Which btw, are dellish!  Had D here all week, since Sunday and it hasn't been so bad, though when that girl is on a diet she suddenly becomes the worlds expert on what to eat and what not to eat, about exercise and all the things I am doing wrong.  SIGH... she can get so tedious!  Still, the first week and all that.  I have been given some Oralstat from the doc to help things along but so far they don't seem to be doing much for me.  Though for D they are working over time!  It's been like lava!  Flowing out of her, it's a wonder she can sit down.  Me thinks they are reacting with her diabetes meds.  But we are both due our monthlies, and we both have a good clean out a few days before, so it could be that as well.  I suggested she should give it a week and see how it goes.  If no change then perhaps an appointment with the doc is in order.  As for me, well as they don't seem to be doing anything right now, I will also give them a week to kick in and see if anything happens.  I am so motivated right now, and I don't want to lose that.  So far, so good.

Mental Block gets a head start

Thursday 6th September

Oooom today is a hard one!    I have this need to binge, even though I know I am not hungry and I will only feel like crap after.

So I have banned myself from the kitchen.  I am upstairs in my bed and that is where I intend to stay.  I have had my tea, and also scoffed down a huge bag of microwave pop corn and all I keep thinking about is the taste of cream crackers, thick with butter and full of cheese!  Then it's the soft bread, again, thick with butter.  I want crisps and lucky we don't have anyone, only number 3 daughter has and they are in her room ready for her to begin collage next week to take with her.

 Instead I have a skinny cappacino  with a little squirty cream on top   , (a lot better than what could be!)  It's only day 3 for goodness sake!  How am I ever going to get to my target weight if I can't even manage a week?

 I know I have issues with it......   mental blockage that I have to over come, but that doesn't usually kick in until I have lost some weight, this time it's getting a head start!  Things happened to me as a child that I could not control and I thought if I got fat then it wouldn't happen (it still did) now, ever since then if I begin to lose weight it kicks in and kicks me in the teeth for good measure.  I mean, I'm 39 years old for goodness sake, isn't it about time it let up?  Isn't it about time I let it go?  I'm going to fight it, and keep going.  I am hoping there will this breaking point where I can push through, and then start to enjoy losing weight instead of always feeling like I am doing something wrong.    It's gotta be there somewhere, doesn't it?

New Beginning again?

Before shots

After Shots 

Wednesday 5th September

Well, my bedroom has been decorated and I really like it.  It is very simple with 2 end walls black with white picture rail and window sills and the 2 larger side walls white with black picture rail.  I also have 3 doors, 2 on one side wall, the room door, and another to a small cupboard and another on the opposite wall with the immersion tank and a small airing cupboard, all painted black.  It feels really nice and pleasant here now.  Before it was just the girls rooms, now it finally feels like a whole room again, and it finally feels like mine.  I have my alter all set up as well and it smells wonderful.  Perhaps that has aided my mood.  Because although I am on my monthlies I still feel ok.  Perhaps a little more irritable than usual, but still me.  I have started walking Dandy again, and I really want to keep it up this time.  I did some nice spell casting last Friday with the blue moon.  I also left my crystal's and my crystal bracelets to charge and I am wearing them now.  Perhaps it is just a plasiboe (sp?) effect, but I'm cool with that if it is.  I don't think that is entirely all of it, I think the crystals and the will power and strength spells I cast are really helping.  Though I am a little concerned that it could be said to be personal gain.  Which it kind of is, but it's also for my health, for my family, for the future.  Surely that can't be all bad then, can it?

Nothing to say

14th August

It is a strange day today.  Words won't come to me, and when they do they are all jumbled out.  Even simple words are hard to write (thank goodness for spell check!).  I am tired, but not sleepy tired.  At least the doc has stopped messing with my meds for now.  That is a small blessing.  The only time I feel alive, really here and me, is when I am at my alter.  Weather I am doing a spell, or not, just sitting there in my circle is a relieve to me.  I have been thinking of going back to my old ways.  Before Rob and I got remarried.  The only time I ever really felt alive was when I lived alone, just me and my girls, 14 years ago.  For a while I wondered why.  Now I don't think there was a reason, it wasn't my life, or me.... well, it was but it was so much more than that.  I was happy because I was me.  I awoke every morning and I did my salute to the sun yoga, and before bed every night, I cleaned house, had a bath, then took time to meditate.  Time to quiet my mind.  Aside from also being 5 stone lighter, and I wasn't mentally ill, or physically disabled.  Perhaps that is it.  I need to find a way to except that my life has changed.  I can no longer walk, I will always be on medication, and I now have a whole graveyard of skeletons living in my head as well as some unopened and locked crypts.  I need to find a way to deal, and I don't know how.   There is nothing inside right now.  everything is numb.  I am not even depressed any more, that is at least some kind of feelings.  Inside is like an old dusty attic, full of cobwebs and dust, old boxes and wardrobes, broken mirrors and photo frames.  There are some old ciny reels in there too, and they keep on playing, over and over, playing their scenes onto the walls.  Why can I not just look at what I have done, what I have achieved, instead of only playing the failures, constantly ashamed and hating myself.  Hating what I see in the mirror and what I don't.   It's a hard dark place to be when you are crushed by self hate and loathing. I thought if I began writing it might help the dam to burst, sometimes it does.  But I guess not tonight.  So what to do, what to say, where to go but in my mind?  How to escape it all?  How to escape me???

Long Nights

Wednesday 8th August

I don’t even know where to start.  My head is such a mess right now.  My feelings are all muddled inside and my mind just won’t shut down.  Why do I always have to remember?  I forgot once, so why do I have to remember now?  There are too many years of pain, mistakes and selfish paths taken always playing like a film in a cinema in my mind.  You can try to ignore it, but somehow it keeps seeping through into the present.   I wish I could just scream and scream, smash something up.  Maybe my face, it seems as good a place as any.  The meds are not working right now, or I am just too messed up for them to help.   I know my dose of Quetiapine should be 300 a day, but I am going to take 2 150’s tonight instead of just 1.  Maybe with double the usual dose my brain will have no choice but to shut down and I can sleep.  The wounds never show, and they never go away, like moving pictures in my head they keep playing.  I feel so ashamed all the time.  I look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly selfish bitch that doesn’t deserve to live.  My girls love me, I know this, but I don’t feel worthy of that love.  Rob says he loves me, but I can’t help but think he doesn’t.  What is there to love?  What is there that is worth anything but his disgust?  Sometimes I think it would be better if it was all over, just take the whole box and then sleep forever.  But I know even this thought is selfish.  It would leave my girls with scars, maybe even bigger than mine.  I see the past as clear as the present and then sometimes, I wonder.  How much of it is real?  Is it all in my mind?  Is the whole world in my mind and I am just rotting away in some room in a mental ward somewhere?  Never even having a life, or a family, just me and that room, from the day I was born until the day I finally die.  But then, that would be too easy wouldn’t it?  It just feels like all I am, all I ever knew was a lie.  None of it is real because I’m not real.  Oh I know all the clinical names for everything I feel, I know that this is dissociation, and the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the feelings are from the Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder.  But knowing the names doesn’t make it any less.  It just means I know I am not entirely crazy.  Well, No, not exactly, I know I am crazy, I just have clinical names for it.   I know it will pass, with time.  It’s just like riding a wave.  Right now I am sinking, going under and drowning.  But soon I will rise out of the wave again and start surfing.  Hahaha, maybe not, but you get the meaning.  If I don’t feel like crying, then I feel angry.  I wish I could go back to feeling nothing again.  It’s so easy to pretend when there is nothing there.  Smile, laugh, hug, kiss, and let it all pass by.   But when you feel angry or depression, it’s not so easy to hide.  I wish it was.  But every day feels like a marathon, hiding what is really going on inside.  Still trying to laugh and smile when all you want to do is disappear.  Even crying is too much.  I feel like I need to cry, but I can’t do it.  I can’t cry, I can’t laugh, I fake smile but inside is like a stone.  It feels so heavy.  It’s been a long time since I have felt this bad.  Well, about 6 months and I consider that lucky.  6 months is a good run.  Now I am struggling to stay afloat at the bottom of a long well.  I can see the opening, but I can never reach it.  Well, there you go, 300 Quetipine taken.  All I need to do now is to wait for them to take effect, and then hope I fall into darkness.  No dreams would be nice, but I think that is too much to ask.  It really is so tempting to take a lot more.  Not so I can die, no, I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to feel anymore.  I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to feel so ashamed, such hatred for myself.  And I do hate myself so very much.   I rest my head back against the bed and I can see a spider web hanging from the ceiling.  It looks like it has been there a while, it’s dusty.  But it’s blowing from the heat of the radiator, or maybe it’s a draft from the window.  Who knows.  But I wish I could blow away my cob webs.  Take all the old baggage and stuff it back into old crates and suitcases and hide it all back at the end of the storage that is my memories.  It was there once before, but my mind just had to drag it all out, pull it out and rifle through it to see what they contained.  What nightmares and horrors and skeletons could be unearthed, and I unearthed a whole graveyard.  And nearly every day they is something new, a new grave found and dug up.  Like finding out that Dad was actually kicked out of the navy for being a paedophile because Lena was just 14, dishonourably discharged.   I don’t even know why it such a shock, not when it is so blatantly obvious. How in the hell didn’t anyone see it before?  A sailor and a 14 year old girl, come on for fucks sake!  What did I expect?  Why did I think he had left the navy?  I guess I didn’t.  I didn’t think about the why or how, I just took the knowledge given me and accepted it, like most of my life.  Like we were taught to do, never ask questions, never bring up the past and never question anyone.  What a bunch of fucking crap!  That is basically my whole life though isn’t it?  All I have been doing is walking through crap!  Crap up to my knees and I just smile and keep on walking.  I wish those tablets would start to work already.  I am tired, but I think that is just normal tired from feeling so shit all day and holding the tears that wouldn’t fall, and the anger that wouldn’t rage out.  It’s such hard work, and I am so tired.  My head is fuzzy, but it’s still turning, still moving, still thinking, still feeling too much.  What will it take to stop these feelings?  What will it take to shut it off?  I think I will try laying down now.  I may be able to sleep, I may just lay there with too many thoughts going on and on, watching the movie that is on tonight.  Who knows which era it will be this time, oh the suspense.  How come they are never happy ones?  Why is it always the bad ones all the time?  I bet the shrinks couldn’t answer that one.  What makes the bad ones stick when the good ones get buried beneath them?  My music is playing and I think I may leave it to play, perhaps then it might trigger a good memory for once, and that will be worth dreaming.  R called me beautiful the other day and I almost cried.  What a sap I am.  I don’t feel beautiful, I feel fat, ugly, and not worth the compliment.  For goodness sake, how long do those bloody pills take to work?  It’s nearly 11.30 and I am still awake.  Fuzzy, but still awake, still thinking, still feeling, still breathing, well that just about sucks big time.  How ironic, there are only a few songs left on my play list and the last one is Evanescence, Breath no more.  Perhaps I will just skip the last few and get to the encore.  If only everything was that easy.  Skip forward through the bad times and get to the good ones again.  I think I will just lay down my head now and hope darkness comes.  

Secrets Out

24th May

This is really getting to me now.  i am so angry I just want to tell them all just how wrong it was but I know none of them will ever see it that way, and if they do, they will never admit it.  I want to say to M, your number 4 is 14, how would you feel if a 27 year old got her pregnant and then took her to another country?  And C with her daughter, and ask J and Sh if they would ever have sex with a 14 year old?  But then I think I'm not sure if I could handle the stress.  Is it worth it?  Hell yes!  This family has no morals and none of them care or give a shit and I'm sick of it!  I am so sick of them!  Dirty, nasty bastards, all of them!!

25th May

Well, I did it.  I bit the bullet and I called C, J and SH over and I told them just like I said I would.  I asked them the question first then I told them what I had found out/  About him being discharged for being a peodo and why.  The only regret I have is telling Sh.  I know C and J would have told him. but then it wouldn't be on my head and I guess if they did it would all be twisted and turned until I look black.  I don't even know why it is effecting me so much.  I mean, he's been dead for 16 years.  I'm so stupid, maybe I am the one who is sick, for thinking so different to all of them, that they can know something like that, and not even care.  Instead they dress it up by saying he just fell in love with someone he shouldn't have, that was all.  It doesn't matter that she was 14 and he was 27, he just fell in love with a girl too young for him.  Really?!?!?!

Loneliness

30th April

It feels so lonely right now.  Who can I talk to?  Who is there to turn to?  I can't talk to J, C or Ro because they will never believe it, and if they did?  Do I ruin C and J perfect vision of him?  Do I want them to feel what I am feeling now?  I could never talk to my girls.  Number 3 knows there is something wrong and she keeps asking me what it is and telling me I can talk to her.  it's very sweet but I can't, not about this.  The girls have a candy man and rainbow image of their Granddad.  It makes up for the 2 Nan's on my side.  It makes them think my childhood had some good in it and I think that helps them cope with other stuff that they know I went through.  They don't need to know the facts, all they know is a sentence of what happened.  Who can I fucking talk to?  Who can I tell?  N one!  It's D secret to tell and she entrusted it to me and I really wish she hadn't.  how selfish does that make me?  I hate myself!  I hate, hate and I am soo angry and there is no one to blame.  P would never admit any of it not in a million years!  Ro is just like her sister, all she would think is how best to tell everyone so SHE will be the victim, the hard done by, the one who needs sympathy and pity!  Or how she can slag me off and D off to make it worse and make us look like trouble making liars!  It's so lonely and I feel so angry I want to rip up every photo I have of him, scribble over his face like a child, burn him and watch the flames!