Sunday 30th January
I spoke to the girls today, yeah way to go Mum you fucking idiot! I told them I hadn't been well and I needed them to know that if I ever did anything, it wouldn't be anything they have done, it's just me. Now I don't think it was such a good idea, way to go, guess what girl's, your Mum's a fucking pysco who wants to kill herself! What an idiot! I don't even know why I did it, maybe K is right, maybe I really am an attention seeking bitch, but from my own kids, I mean come on! WTF?!?!?! They asked me how I was going to do it and I said tablets and daughter number 2 was relieved I wasn't going to hang myself like her friends Dad tried to do outside his son's bedroom door so the first thing he would have seen when he opened his bedroom door was his Dad hanging, bit fucked up, way to think things through mate! And daughter number 3 was relieved I wasn't going to cut my wrists and they would find me in a pool of blood. I can't say that thought had never occurred to me, slitting my wrists was right up there with the tablets, but truth is, I'm a fucking wimp, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. Rob piped in and said "If you were going to do it, I wouldn't stop you" to which I replied "I never wanted you to stop me, but I wanted you to do something if I did, like call an ambulance!" and to that he had no answer. It makes me think if I ever did do something like that, he wouldn't call an ambulance until it was too late and I was really dead. I still feel depressed, but I don't wish I was dead any more. There is just so much hate and anger inside me, all aimed at me, I was just starting to get to a place inside where I could think of that little girl I used to be and feel sorry for her. Now all I feel is hate and contempt again. There's a part of me that says none of it was her fault, it was all them, all those men, S, N, JE, H, ST, it was them that had the problem, them that were perverted. And then there is another part that says what did you do? The clothes I wore, the way I walked and talked, the way I had to grow up when I should have been a child, all that and those stupid big brown eyes in that young face, of course they saw me as more than a child! And all those beatings from P and Derek, i deserved them all too. The way I looked, the way I provoked them trying to be hard, piss em off, give em the look. I may as well have stuck a big sign saying beat me! Touch me here! Rape me! FFS!!!! Not to mention whatever happened with sue and Chris that fucked me up so much I can't remember anything about those 6 months, or that year that I lived with them! Maybe they should just lock me up, throw away the key and leave me to rot! It's not like I'd die of hunger with about a years supply of fat on me to keep me going! Thirst maybe, but not hunger. It's just all so fucked up, or maybe the world is just fine and it's really me that's fucked up. maybe I'm already locked up somewhere, tied to a bed and pumped full of drugs and all this, all this around me, this life, this world, this me, it's all just an illusions. Some crazy girls deranged dream and not real at all. Maybe even if I did take tablets or cut my wrists it wouldn't matter anyway. I wonder if I would actually die, or just wake up in the real world? In a a hospital bed somewhere tied to a bed? Who knows, maybe it is all real and I really am fucking crazy! Maybe THE FAMILY finally did it, they finally drove me mad. I could be one of those crazy relatives they used to keep locked up in the attic, away from people in case they infected them? Maybe I even did infect daughter number 1? Maybe that is why she is the way she is? The anorexia and depression. They say madness is hereditary. Maybe I got mine from Aunty P, haha, how funny does that sound? Aunty P! Hahahahahahahahaha, just plain fucking crazy! Like me! Fucking crazy, mental, a fucked up slut, a perverted fucking psychopathic! Fucking stab me!!
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