Well, went in to therepy Wednesday and Devy said to stop the breathing exercises, they weren't helping and do I now have to brush my teeth and think about what I am doing, nothing else, just what I am doing...... easy? Try is sometime. Hmmm, well the last breathing exercise was so successful (hear the sarcasm*) she has given me a new one. Then write about it. Though it seems really daft.
Brushed teeth, feel a bit stupid writing about brushing my teeth, but whatever, here goes.. I have a blue and yellow toothbrush, it doesn't have a tongue and cheek cleaner. I like the ones with the cleaner but Rob ordered from tesco on line, a bogof offer, so all good. Toothpaste was very minty, I'm rather proud of my teeth, 37 and never had a filling, or teeth removed, except when I was younger and had too many teeth in my mouth and they removed 2 from each side at the back, so 4. Then when I got older had 4 more removed cuz I was going to have braises fitted, but that was when Rose was goignt through her Mothering role, then she got bored before they could fit them and I went back to Dad's and he hated dentists, never even brought us a tooth brush, I used to scrape my teeth with my finger nails to clean them. Gross, I know! Any-ways, the toothpaste was very minty, hot minty but not too hot. Brush teeth going past each tooth one by one, then spit. Make sure to turn off the tap, wasting water like that sucks and if more people turned off the tap while brushing their teeth, well, I bet we wouldn't be having hose pipe bans. After teeth brush cheeks (inside of course cuz would be stupid to brush outside, though I do wonder, what it would feel like?) and then brush tongue, spit, rinse, wash out brush.
Lisa showed up at therepy this week, though I was able to rein her in and keep her under control, even if I kept losing my focus doing it. She really wants to be heard and Devy says I will have to listen to her at some spoint, but I am not ready to do that yet, so let's hope she behaves until then. And she had me read out all that I had written, which I did but I refused to read out Lisa's, despite her asking several times. It was embarrassing enough for me to read it, and to know that some primeval part of me had written it. She read it herself and said there is a lot of anger there, as if I didn't know that! I know. that is what scares me, because Lisa is a part of me, as she says she is, then just how much hate and anger do I carry around with me all the time? And what happens if that rage ever lets go and I can't control it any more? That fucking terrifies me!
Friday 10th September 2010 10.10PM
My toothbrush is actually blue and green, not blue and yellow. Poured tooth paste onto the brush. Had to squeeze the tube hard though, it's really annoying when people don't put the lid on the tube and it goes hard. It fell off the brush, which confused me for a brief second kinda like "huh? I could have sworn I just put toothpaste on that", then I saw it in the sink and was like "Oh there it is, look at that hahahaha" So I poured some more on. Was thinking about how my left foot has been hurting the last couple of days. I don't remember hurting it, but it feels bruised. Reminds me of last week, or week before, not sure which, when my left thumb was really painful and bruised badly, but I have no idea how or when I did it, but it was painful enough to feel like it did when I broke it a few summers back. OK, more like 8 or so. Still brushing teeth and then thinking that it is actually harder than you would think to only think about brushing your teeth. Which got me thinking of other things we do on autopilot, like brushing our hair, but then I started thinking if we lived way back I would have to brush my hair 100 times before bed, so no more auto pilot, but then they never brushed their teeth, or washed their hair. I have finished brushing my teeth without realising it, so i do my tongue and notice how under my tongue is really ugly. The I rinse and finish.
Sunday 10th Spetember 8.15PM
Took tooth brush, poured on the toothpaste. I can smell the mint. Wet it under the tap before putting it in my mouth. I start to brush my teeth, up and down, back and forth, round and round, and I have a chant going in my head, 'tooth, tooth, tooth ' each time I brush one tooth at a time. I start on the bottom left, then top left, bottom right, top right then front. Brush my inside cheek, then my tongue. I can taste the mint, it's strong. I spit then rinse and run my tongue over my teeth, enjoying the smooth clean surface. Then I clean the brush and put it away.
Monday 11th September 2010 8.45PM
Put the toothpaste on the brush, spilt it on my black top, good thing it's evening and not morning. My head hurts. Trying to think of what I am doing but my mind keeps fluttering. Thinking I've been chewing gum all day, that's prob why I got head ache. Funny, that's usually Lisa's thing not mine. Wonder why she does that? Maybe cuz she doesn't smoke much. I look in the mirror and stare at my reflection thinking how bad I look, how ugly. I need to calm down but the voices are giving me head ache, they won't shut up. I understand them but I keep seeing Pat's face in my head, even though I can't hear her voice. I keep scrubbing teeth, then rinse and finish. I just realised, I never brushed my cheek, or my tongue. But then who gives a fuck anyway? I should go back and do it, but I don't want to. (Writing becomes messy and the pen is pressed so hard on the paper it is torn in places and the whole passage is covered in scribble) I feel so angry and don't know why. Rob hasn't been here since Sunday and the girls are quiet, all is good, so why this anger, this hate I feel? I wanna hurt myself. I remember what Devy said rubber band on the wrist and do it, but before I can flick it to stay awake I remember that was for something else, for fading. I am fading, do it again. Do it again. Good pain. Teeth, meant to be talking about teeth. Fuck teeth! Fuck this shit! fuck it all! And fuck you too! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK YOU! Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth! Teeth! Teeth! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK YOU!!!!
Tuesday 12th Spetember 9.00PM
I can smell mint as I put the paste on my brush. Pay attention as I brush each tooth. Mind wonders but I bring it back. I have a head ache again. I feel here, but not here. I continue brushing my teeth, and realise I am staring off into space again. My mouth feels hot from the mint. I don't know how long I have been standing here. I brush my cheeks and tongue, rinse then clean the brush.
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