Sat up on the bed crosses legs. Observation: Sounds of traffic outside. Feeling cold but relaxed. Thinking my cup of tea is going to get cold. Thinking about breathing again, then about earlier when I went over Carmen's and Joe and we all watched the film "Hunger". Back to breathing. Thinking how I miss this cuz I used to do it every night with candles and incense sticks when I lived alone in Cinderford.
Saturday 4th September 2010 11.40AM
Sat on bed crossed legs. Observation: Arms and torso relax but legs, head and neck tense up. there's traffic outside and birds singing. I can't think. Lisa is screaming and there are so many other voices inside my head, all shouting and talking and crying and I can't understand what they are saying, it's just noise. I'm shouting at them to shut up but no one listens. I count my breathing, it's hard to concentrate but I push through. Slowly the voices, screaming, quiet down. They are still there, still shouting and screaming, but it's like they are at the end of a corridor. I count my breaths and I have managed to stop rocking. I am also starting to relax and feel quiet inside when a text comes through on my mobile cuz I forgot it was there, and it all starts up again. I try to go back to my quiet place but I can't. I'm rocking again and the voices and screaming are louder than ever. I just want to pull my hair out, get them out of my head. I have a headache but they won't shut up, they won't leave me alone. "I'm fat, I'm useless, a worthless piece of shit, I should just die, you should fucking kill yourself cuz everyone would be better off without you. Jump out the window, feel the stones hit you, see them coming at you/ ( I see it) on and on it goes and I just want to stay here, rocking and screaming. But my coffee is getting cold and there is housework to do. I have to smile and pretend the voices aren't there so my girls and Rob will never know what I really am.
Sunday 5th September 2010 10.00PM
Sat cross legged on the bed. Observation: Backpain. Concentrating on breathing. Thinking I turned the light off, and that was a bad idea. I don't like the dark, esceppially going up the stairs, it always feels like someone is behind me, catching up with me, chasing me and I feel terrified. I start to feel worried by bringing it back to my breathing. I keep hearing Eminem song "When I'm gone", but just one line, 3rd verse where Hayley follows him to Sweden and scrams from the crowd "Help Mummy! Her wrists are bleeding!" and I can feel the pain of the knife cutting into my wrists and it's almost a pleasant pain. Feel the warm, thick blood as it drips down and slips through my fingers. I hear a motorbike outside and concentrate on the sound as it passes. My body is feeling hot, but my arms are cold. The silence is so loud it almost hurts my ears to hear it. I turn back to my breathing before opening my eyes and writing. I don't think it matters what I write or what I say, it's not like my therepist is going to take the time to read all this anyway! Txt message just scared the shit out of me and the cat sneezing does the same. I wonder why I feel so nervous after doing this breathing thing?
Monday 6th September 2010
Well I am in that place again. The one where I promise to change my life. You know, the one where I say no one else matters except Rob and our girls. I am going to lose weight, I am going to start an exercise plan and stick to it. I am going to stop being lazy and go to bed at a decent hour, get up at a decent time, clean the house after exercising, eat healthy, drink water, stop spending so much time on the computer and do more constructive things with my time, knitting, cross-stitch maybe even start writing again. Will I stick to it? Who knows, I'm always here and then I'm not and everything goes to pot and I finish looking, feeling and being crap. If only it was as easy to do as it is to say.
10PM
Sitting in bed with a candle lit and the scent of lavender in the air.
Observation: The sound of traffic driving through the rain. Relaxing slowly. Thinking about what I wrote, about beginning to write again. Maybe getting out my old journals and putting them onto my computer so I can put them onto a disc. Breathing, counting, relaxing. Breathing in the scent of lavender. I'm floating, no longer in my body, I can't feel it. I am still breathing, but if I open my eyes I will see myself below. Floating out of my body and feeling free. Floating for a while and then slowly opening my eyes to find I am in my body and I am not free at all, it was just an illusion.
Tuesday 7th September 2010 10.25PM
Sat crossed leg on bed with candle lit. Observation: Didn't have the same effect as last night. I tried to do the breathing and couldn't. Felt afraid and had to keep opening my eyes to look around me. Tried to do it with my eyes open but was sweating, nervous. Turned light on, blew out candle and poured wax on my arm, then tried again. Still nothing. I feel so stupid. No marks on my arm to hide, the wax didn't mark and the knife wasn't sharp enough that I used on my arm. I really need to buy some new knifes - knives- which was is it spelt again? (Writing becomes erract, messy, sharper) KNIFES- KNIVES- knifes- knives- Nifes - Nives- Knifes? Knives? Knifes knives knifes knives knifes knives knifes knives knifes knives cut knifes stab knives bleed knifes knives knifes (Lisa is here) knifes hurt knives pain knives knifes knives knifes KNIVES (scribble) doesn't matter, who gives a fucking shit anyway! Fucked, and shitted on, cruel and spiteful bastards all of em! Hahahahaha fuck you slut! Read that BITCH! Don't fucking care! Don't fucking give 2 shite about any of this anyway! Write what the fuck I fucking well please! Cock sucking son of a bitch! Chop your fucking dick off and shove it down your throat until you fucking choke on it and drown in your own fucking come. Bastard asshole cunting mother fucking batched up fucker!! FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKIN..... (Scribble followed by lighter messy writing) Maybe she's right, as if Devy what's her name is even going to read it anyway? Should just give up. pretend, smile, so fucking ridiculous haha posh bitch outside my window, wanna scream at her to fuck off, but won't can't, not right, not fucking normal! normal who the fuck is normal anayway? Smoke a fag, let it burn burn baby burn! Let em all fucking burn! Burn the whole fucking world, burn the field of flowers with you in it stupid pathectic cry baby! What are you? Fucking cry baby pathetic fat ugly don't give a fuck! Bitch whore! Hoe! Hoe!
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