A year in darkness

I am 39 years old.  I have had nightmares, and regressions to my childhood for the past 10+ years.  I have been diagnosed with Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder, manic depressive, and Anxiety panic attacks.  I also have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia and Arthritis.  2 years ago I went and saw a therapist and asked for help.  I felt at the time, that if I did not get help soon, I would be dead before the end of the year.  This is the journals of my year in therapy.  I have wrote it as it was written.  I have changed nothing.  I have added a few by-passages so you can keep up with things I do not say, and things that I wrote.  It is hard reading, but maybe it can help someone.  Someone who has been, or still is that dark place.  Just so you can know, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It isn't going to be easy, but it is worth it.  It doesn't happen over night, and it takes work, a lot of work.  I still have a long way to go.  Unfortunately due to budget cuts in the mental health care, I am no longer seeing my therapist.  So I am plodding away as best I can.  But this is my journals of the year I had a therapist to help me get along.  


Wednesday 21 July 2010
I met my therapist today though I can't remember her name.  I think she may actually be able to help me.  I know I can never forget what went on in the past, but I think she can help me put things where they belong.  I hate that it's always in my life, it happened so long ago.  Surely it should stay there, but it doesn't, it's always here, in my mind, in my dreams, affected my whole life.  I don't want to be so angry and feel this rage inside me and when there is no rage, there is nothing.  The disconnection from the world, I don't feel anything, see anything, nothing matters, it's like I'm empty.  I want it all gone, or at least in a place I can manage it so I rule it, it doesn't rule me any more.  It's so hard and it would be so easy just to fall into it and be nothing, just empty.  I don't want to fall into that hole, I want to be a part of the world, I want to feel, and I want my life back, and I think she can help me do that, I really hope so.